Babia Majora
by derivereine
Summary: Jericho, Edge, Christian, herbs and apples and a shark is having a birthday. Chaos ensues.


**Happy birthday, high bunny.**

* * *

"Kaiiiitlyn, you don't have to put on the red light!"

Kaitlyn groaned into her pillow, "Jericho, stop."

He threw a wrapped gift onto the bed, "Aren't you going to open your gift?"

"If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset." Kait tore open the present to find a shining tiara, "This is too much, Jericho..."

"I haven't even gotten started!" Chris pulled her out of bed, "I have it on strictest orders that you have to look spectacular for today!"

She stared at him, "And what are you, my red eye for the straight guy?"

"Nonsense, nonsense! I'm going to make you look all sorts of fly! Now you get yourself all nice and _squeaky._" he emphasised by taking his voice to a stupidly high pitch, "Then come and meet me by the pool for breakfast! The maid will have it ready for us." he skittered off, yelling orders downstairs as he went.

Kaitlyn padded out onto the landing, squinting as Jericho dusted her friends with a feather duster. She squinted again, harder, "Why the hell is Ted always the maid?" she mumbled to herself.

"Because Sunny wanted him to wear the chaps. The imprint on his ass says 'more better' in case you were wondering...something about a paddle." Kaitlyn turned around to see Charlie eating an apple, wearing a Captain's hat, "I'm your sanity for the day…which is worrying since this is the only apple in the house Mack and I didn't smoke out of."

Kait pinched the bridge of her nose, "What did Jay ask you all to do?"

Charlie paused to chew, "Uh, something about keeping you out of the way. He has some romantic shit planned or something, I wasn't really listening…Randy had his shirt off so…"

"Understandable." Kait nodded, "I cannot be assed showering."

"YOU MUST SHOWER! YOU MUST BE SPICK AND SPAN!"

Charlie threw the apple core down onto Jericho, "It creeps me the fuck out how he can hear us."

"You're bugged." Kait pulled at the tab on Charlie's shirt, and stopped, open mouthed as she realised everywhere was bugged. And rigged with cameras. "How the hell have I missed those?"

Sunny bounded up the stairs, Mack following behind her, "Jay just text me; you have to be ready in an hour and a half."

"Glam squad!" Mack grinned. The shark hat on her head wobbled precariously. Charlie docked her sailor cap at Mack, "I am going to wrangle you, shark matey!"

"Never!" They chased each other up and down the hallway, until Charlie was being pursued by Mack, doing her best _Jaws_ impression_._

Ashley came sidling out of the master bedroom, "I've been waiting on your ass in that bathroom for close to twenty minutes now. We need to fix you up, come on!"

Charlie stopped running and Mack knocked her over with her momentum, "Goddamn you being a full eleven pounds heavier than me, you drug addict."

"I know," Mack nodded, "You're such an anorexic conceited whore, Charlie."

"Well we all know that I'm 130 pounds," Jericho waltzed up the stairs, "Don't forget that she needs to wear that tiara."

* * *

"Jay. The only bad thing that is happening is that Mack and Charlie are high and in their underwear and I'm not over there. Kaitlyn is not sleeping with Jericho, but she has hit him in the balls a few times…that is literally the closest she has come to his crotch. You can look at the monitors." Adam sighed as Jay sat on the futon, hiding his eyes behind his hands. "Seriously man. Where the fuck are you even taking her for her birthday?"

"To the airport."

Adam eyed him, "Right."

* * *

Jericho pushed a button on the microphone headset he wore, "Aurora to Whiskey, do you copy?"

Charlie bent behind the bed, "Copy, Aurora."

"How is the operation progressing?"

She popped up to see Kaitlyn fully dressed and being ushered out of the door, "How long have I been down here?"

"Operation complete. Aurora out."

Charlie reached under the bed and pulled out two suitcases, her Captains hat tilted to the left as she set them upright. She ran to the window to see Ashley blindfolding Kaitlyn and shoving her into Sunny's SUV. Mack stood at the bottom of the window, "I'M WIDE OPEN!"

"THAR SHE BLOWS!" Charlie yelled as she threw the suitcases down, "DUDE IT LOOKS LIKE I'M THROWING THEM INTO A SHARK'S OPEN MOUTH."

"Charlie?" she turned around to see a sheepish Ted holding a pillow over his crotch, "Jericho took my clothes. Have you seen them?"

"Personally…" Charlie snorted, "I think you look more better naked."

* * *

Kaitlyn lunged at Jay the second her blindfold was removed, "YOU ASSHOLE THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING BIRTHDAY EVER! JERICHO WOULDN'T GIVE ME ANY HERB, THE ROBOBABES WOULDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON AND TED WAS NAKED!"

"Calm down, you'll scare Felix!" Jay purred to the fat cat that lay across his lap, sleeping as he stroked it rhythmically. "Don't you want to know why you're on a private jet?"

"A what?"

"A private jet. That will eventually land in Rome." Jay smiled as realisation flooded into Kait's face, "We're away for two weeks; Adam and I convinced Jericho that the cameras and mics in the house are for his own reality tv show, when in fact they're watching what in the blue blazes is going on whilst we're in Italy. The girls have been distracting you all day because they've been making food for the flight- Mack made her 'special sauce', Charlie and Ashley played Iron Chef America- and packing your suitcases."

"You're taking me to Italy for two weeks for my birthday?" Kaitlyn processed this for a minute, "And I'm on a private jet going there?"

"Uh huh." Jay grinned, "There's weed taped under the table too. Happy birthday, beautiful."


End file.
